A piece of whimsy that was written for, and previously published on timatkin.com
In the Wine And Novelty Corp. boardroom, the atmosphere was tense. Behind Warner Biggereturne III, the company president, the chart on the electronic whiteboard said it all: wine division sales had dropped for the third consecutive quarter. Worse still, so had profits. Across the big shiny table, sales manager, Des Parate, was trying to deflect his boss’s wrath. “The trouble is that we no longer have the products consumers want” he said. “And that’s true for the Fruits, the Newts and the the Cutes”.
Like most big wine companies, since 2012, WANC had divided its products and their buyers into three sectors. As their name suggested, the Fruits focused on wines with obvious flavours such as pineapple, peach and boysenberry that resulted from being made from grapes like Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay, Zinfandel and Cabernet Sauvignon. Newts were the “Neutrals” mostly produced from Pinot Grigio, though with a growing trend towards other flavourless Italian and Spanish varieties. As for the Cutes, these were the unashamedly, female-focused sweet wines that competed with brands like Apothic, Menage a Trois, Little Black Dress, FlipFlop and Cupcake.